rebuilder | what doesn't kill me makes me want you more

what doesn't kill me makes me want you more | dathomirs.

The ground was moving.

Cal was pretty sure it wasn't supposed to move, like the deck of a ship or a boat (not that Cal had ever been on a boat, but he'd seen it in holos). His hands are clinging to Merrin's arm, who he thinks is not much steadier than he is but she seems a little less ready to face-plant into the mud than he does.

"Whoops-" he nearly trips over his own feet and laughs.

He's not sure how much they'd had to drink, he lost track after two? Two drinks of the strongest drink that he'd ever had in his life, and that included the Bracca moonshine that Prauf had gifted him for his guild anniversary when he'd been fifteen years old (he'd meant well, he hadn't known that Cal had had never had anything nearly as strong -- he'd supervised him and then left him on his sofa the next morning -- guilty as he spent the night curled over a fresher).

Whatever it was, and however many it was - it had been fun to drop the Jedi decorum and have some fun, Merrin was about his age, and the two of them were typically running from one mission to another, not much time to stop and simply enjoy themselves.

BD-1, running ahead of them, stopped and looked back at the Jedi and Nightsister, waiting for them to catch up and making sure that neither one of these dumb organics passed out on him -- he'd warned them when simple scans showed blood alcohol had risen past sobriety and into "organics behaving badly" territory. They'd ignored him, of course. Merrin challenged Cal to "drink him under the table", and he of course wasn't going to turn that opportunity down. Now here they were. He pulled up the map to the mantis again, shook his head, gears whirring, and continued on.

Seemingly after a very long walk, a Jedi and Nightsister, clinging to one another to stay upright, clambered on board in a tangle of limbs.

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"Of course. BD deserves to recharge without interruption for a change."

She's fairly certain the little droid is over them both for the next twelve hours or so, and she'll be glad not to be scanned or beeped at while she's trying to relax.

Merrin appears in a flash of green on the ship's roof a few moments later, water canteen in hand -- which she politely offers to Cal first upon sitting. She stretches her legs out in front of her and takes in the twinkling vastness of sky above them. She's not quite as affected as Cal by the beverages they'd consumed, but everything does shine just a little more brightly, and she feels pleasantly fizzy in a way she can't remember having done in quite some time.

"Thank you for coming out with me tonight. I know you would've been just as happy tinkering with some project and blasting nearly unlistenable music into your ears, but I enjoy your company."

Cal clambers onto the roof cause unlike some people he can't teleport in a haze of flame or fly, no he scales the tree next to the ship and drops quietly onto the roof - just getting settled as Merrin appears next to him.

He accepts the water with a slight nod and takes a long pull; soothing his dry throat and settling in his stomach. When he's done he hands it back to her to lay back, locking his hands behind his head.

"I'll ignore the dig at my music." Cal huffs. "Thanks for inviting me, it was nice to get off the ship for a bit and -- hey, did you just accuse me of not knowing how to have fun? I do plenty of things that aren't tinkering!"

"You are very focused," she corrects him with a shrug, taking a drink of the water for herself before leaning back on her arms. She looks down at him fondly, without real critique in her tone. She doesn't want him to think she truly disapproves.

"It isn't a bad thing. But you can be very... intense, when you have decided something needs doing. Not everything is so urgent, even in this battle we are fighting. We must take time to live, as well."

Focused. Cal hmms, otherwise remaining silent for a moment, staring upwards at the sky. His teachers had framed it as a good thing, how determined and hard working he was. Saw failure as a personal affront, and that pushed him further. On Bracca there was little time for relaxing and to enjoy himself, and then the quest took over. Now that it was over, listlessness had set in.

"I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not focused on something, like if I stop, then I won't be ready for whatever happens next." Like if he lets his guard down, something terrible will happen. Cal shrugs. "I guess I need an occasional reminder."

Or to be pulled out bodily away from whatever he's doing.

"We will be ready. You have me now, and I am always ready."

Merrin was nothing if not adaptable, and she prided herself on it. There was very little that could truly shake her confidence, even here, away from the relative safety of Dathomir -- for her, anyway. Greez might actually implode if he could hear her think of Dathomir as safe.

She gazes up at the sky and picks out a particularly bright cluster of stars to point out.

"Look there, are they as bright to you as they are for me? I do not know this constellation; we are far from Dathomir, but it is pretty."

"You are. Thanks, Merrin." She was adjusting quickly, to the lifestyle, she'd become an invaluable part of their family; even Greez who'd been terrified of her to begin with had warmed up to her (even faster than he had to Cal, in his opinion).

He glances up at the sky, it is very bright, the stars seem to twinkle and dance. "I don't recognize it either, but it is." Cal glances back at Merrin, entranced as she is with the stars, her hair shining in the moonlight. His mouth feels dry in a way that's probably not the alcohol coursing through his veins. "Pretty."

Clearing his throat, he turns back to the stars. Thankfully it's too dark to see how bright red his face was...

Merrin cannot tell how red his face is, but there's something about the way he speaks that makes her turn to look at him more intently. She rarely sees him this relaxed while awake, and it pleases her to see him simply enjoying himself. Gone is the frequent furrow between his brows when he's thinking too hard about a problem that's arisen that he hasn't personally found a solution to, whether or not it's his responsibility or even possible for one person.

Traces of amusement play at the corners of her lips as she regards him thoughtfully for a moment.

"I like you this way, Cal Kestis. What would it take to get you out here with me on more quiet nights? I do not think Cere would approve of me getting you drunk very often."

Cal flushes even deeper, if that's possible. He's aware of Merrin's gaze on him, and he scratches his neck and keeps his eyes trained on the sky. Is it just him or is it just... super warm all of a sudden?

...

"Ha, she'd love that. I don't think either one of us would hear the end of it." A beat. He just likes spending time with Merrin, really. If she wanted to drag him to bars, well, he'd go along with that. Cere could deal with it. If she wanted to stargaze, like now, that worked too. "What do you normally do, when it's quiet like this?"

Merrin shrugs. She isn't accustomed to truly pleasant quiet, not since she was a child.

"Back on Dathomir the quiet became too empty to bear at times, even with the spirits of my sisters near. I suppose I haven't had much time to simply appreciate a calm evening in the presence of someone I enjoy being near."

Perhaps it's the slightly giddy sensation that the liquor has instilled in her that makes her slightly more daring than usual. For whatever reason, she leans down to impulsively press a kiss to Cal's cheek before pulling back with a mischievous grin.

"I understand that. On Bracca, I had friends but nobody really knew the real me... there was so much I kept hidden. It was lonely." Not to mention how little free time they had, nights like this are still a mystery to Cal. They really had so much in common, didn't they? "I enjoy being near you, too, though."

Merrin leans over and presses a kiss to his cheek and Cal blinks, gaping a little. "W-what was that for?"

Merrin's grin widens and she gives another little shrug, her cheeks also slightly flushed now that she's followed the impulse that had been tempting her all evening.

"It wasn't for anything. I just wanted to."

His surprise is truly adorable, she thinks, but once the initial thrill of having acted starts to wear off a touch she looks at him with a slight hesitance, uncertain if she's offended or broken some Jedi rule.

"Was it all right?"

"O-oh." Cal, a little wide eyed and wondering from more than just the alcohol shakes his head. "N-no! Of course, I mean, it was fine. I just wasn't expecting it, that's all." And he hadn't, but would he be lying if he said he's thought about kissing Merrin more than once?

That sometimes at night he wonders if her mouth is as soft as it looks, or the sounds she'd make if he kissed her? If she'd blush under her deep tattoos the way he does now?

He lapses into silence. They're only thoughts, though. Things he can't put into any action when the Jedi code still hangs over him. He can't just pretend it doesn't exist just because the Order is gone. Gone, with the way of it's return destroyed. Cal stares up at the moon again, rubbing his neck. He's making it awkward as a wave of something like disappointment rushes over him.

"I -- we're friends, right?"

Merrin might've been offended by his reaction if he weren't so adorably flustered. She wonders if he's ever been truly kissed -- she doesn't know all the intricacies of the Jedi code, but she doubts he's had a lot of time to indulge his curiosity in such things. She hasn't either, not really. But she's more inclined to follow her own curious impulses when given the chance.

His question brings a puzzled expression to her face.

"Of course we are friends, you ridiculous Jedi. Have I done something to make you doubt that?"

She cannot see how, but Cal is very strange sometimes, and prone to leaps in logic that she would not necessarily make on her own.

Belatedly, Cal realizes just how is question could've come off. In truth though it's hard for him to keep track of his own lines of thinking and trains of thoughts when each one seems to want to slip out of his grabbing fingers. He likes Merrin. She likes him. They're friends, and friends do not kiss one another or think about kissing one another the way Cal is right now -- not that he's had many friends to begin with.

It just seems like something that might make things kind of awkward. And losing her friendship, well... he can't.

"Yeah, no sorry. You haven't done anything, I'm just really drunk right now and not sure what I'm talking about. But I'm really glad that we're friends." Smooth. He smiles, and tilts his head back towards the sky. Thankfully it's dark, no way to see how red he's gotten. "Say, doesn't that constellation look a little bit like Greez?"

"I am glad as well. You are the first friend I have had in a very long time."

Greez and Cere are her friends now, as well, she supposes -- more like family, in truth, as is Cal. But Cal is the one she chooses to spend extra time with whenever she can, like this, and the one she'd like to kiss again if he didn't seem so awfully confused by the entire concept.

She loops her arms through one of his and rests her head against his shoulder as she follows his gaze to the constellation in question and squints at it skeptically.

"Only if you cross your eyes a bit. You are very drunk, aren't you, Jedi?"

That draws a laugh from him, pulling him from his thoughts.

"Mmmmhmm. I think I'm very drunk... you might've won this one out, dear nightsister. Maybe next time I'll introduce you to the Bracca special."

There's really no Bracca special, but if it wasn't a Dathomirian brew, maybe Cal would've stood slightly more of a chance; clearly not ready to call tonight a total defeat - they were just not on equal footing.

With a groan, Cal stretched his arms over his head. His head was swimming, and he shook the stars out of his eyes as he sat straight up; bright dots starting to form in his vision.

"Wanna head back, I think -- oh." Sweat beaded at his brow as nausea turned in his stomach. "m' gonna be sick."

Merrin's I told you so goes unsaid, as does her speculation that the Bracca special is probably engine degreaser, as it becomes clear that Cal needs to be off the roof and quickly. She can't teleport another person through walls without an extra bit of magick that she doesn't have on her person, but she can at least get him down to the ground.

She moves fast, draping one of his arms over her shoulder and hauling him up to his feet in as fluid a motion as she can given her own still-tipsy state.

"Close your eyes and hold on. I'll get you down."

It's all the warning he'll get before they're on the ground in a blur of green, but Merrin at least does the courtesy of teleporting them next to some bushes, since she's not sure how fast she can drag him into the refresher.

Grabbing onto Merrin's arm for dear life, Cal squeezes his eyes closed and clamps his mouth shut; ignoring the swooping sensation that really doesn't go all that well with his current inebriated state. Thankful for her foresight and that he didn't have to climb down on his own, he is just able to lean over the bushes, holding onto a tree for support as he finally loses the battle of wills with his stomach.

It hadn't been really all that bad going down, but coming back up burns the back of his throat and causes his eyes to water as he retches. It's awful. Cal manages only a moment of peace, trying to stand, but his body clearly disagrees with the action as the nausea returns with a vengeance.

"Don't--s-say--a word--" He grounds out with a glance at Merrin between bouts and pitches forward again to continue the unpleasant business of throwing up.

Cal Kestis has faced down a Sith Lord and lived to tell the tale, how embarassing that his cause of death will be Dathomirian brew, hopefully they leave that part out of the history books when recounting his legacy in the tale of the Jedi.

Merrin might've gently teased him if he didn't seem so truly miserable. Instead, concern for him takes over and she finds herself murmuring something soothing in Dathomirian while patting his back reassuringly until it seems he's finished.

"I am sorry, my Jedi. I did not consider whether the ingredients from my homeworld might be bad for humans."

Truthfully, it's probably just the alcohol, but Cal had been kind to her the time she'd accidentally eaten a fruit that had similarly disagreed and deserves the benefit of the doubt for having been a good sport this time.

Once he's had a moment to catch his breath, Merrin glances back at the ship's ramp, grateful that BD is charging and therefore won't be coming out to scold the two of them.

"Let's get you back inside. You need to rest."

She'll let him lean on her the rest of the way to his bunk or the fresher, whichever his preference is by the time they get that far.

It wasn't Merrin's fault, she hadn't been the one to make him drink it or try to go past his limits with something his system obviously wasn't all that equipped to handle. Besides, she hadn't blamed Cal for the fruit incident not long ago when she could've. He shook his head and wiped a hand over his mouth.

He wanted to lean into her touch, close his eyes and let her voice wash over him until he fell asleep. Dismissing the longing as his misery seeking a balm he lets her guide the way up the ramp. Thankfully nobody was around to witness otherwise he'd be getting a lecture (Cere and or BD) or mockery (Greez) as they made their way up and inside.

Nearing the hallway that lead to the back Cal nodded to the fresher. Better safe than sorry, he'd never hear the end of it if he puked in the engine room.

"You don't have to stay up if you're tired. I'll be fine."

"I am sure you will, but I do not think you should be left alone on the refresher floor until you pass out here and are rudely awakened by the exclamations of whoever gets here first."

It's why she won't even suggest sending BD-1 in her place; she cannot imagine Cal's present condition feeling very improved by shrill beeps and binary scoldings. Still, she does exit the room momentarily, only to return with the softest, fluffiest blanket she could find -- from her own room, naturally -- and a glass of water that she sets down next to Cal before draping the blanket over his shoulders.

"The floor is cold," she offers in explanation before dropping to sit beside him.

"I will stay until you are ready to attempt sleep."

Cal had a brief shining, horrible moment where he pictured Greez being the one to discover him on the floor - yeah, he'd crawl off to hide somewhere. Even the thought of his loud, loud yelling makes his head pound. Which would be worse, that, or Cere's not mad, just disappointed stare. Merrin is at least not judging him.

Not that she had room to, she was drunk too, but just holding it better.

Ugh. He plops himself up, and lists to the side towards one of the cabinets. The ceiling is... spinning. That's not normal. He swallows and closes his eyes against the wave of vertigo; only opening them upon Merrin's return with a blanket that looks quite cozy and warm and - surprise, is as cozy and warm as it looks. If there's any echoes on it, they're pleasant emotions.

He's too drunk to peruse anything further and wants to leave Merrin to her privacy.

"Thanks. This is nice." Far nicer than the blanket he has in his own room, on his bed. Cal knew it, they liked Merrin more (or, the logical part of him supplies, maybe she was less likely to ruin it with blood and dirt and grime than he was). His stomach rolled and he leaned forward again, sweat beading on his forehead as he retched.

"Next time I try to drink... anything like that, I want you to hit me. H-hard."

Merrin rubs his back soothingly until this latest round is over, then offers him the glass of water.

"Rinse your mouth out and take slow breaths. You are an absolute menace, Jedi, do you know that?"

It's said with affection as she hops up from her seat to run a washcloth under cool water. Merrin hadn't been much of a caretaker before meeting Cal -- at least, not since her childhood. Being friends with a Jedi -- or perhaps just this particular Jedi -- seemed to test every last skill she had in this area.

She sits back down and starts wiping the sweat from Cal's flushed face with surprising gentleness. She cannot, however, resist teasing him just a little bit.

"If this experience is not enough to deter you on its own, I do not know that violence will improve matters. But I will certainly oblige if you insist."

"So I've been told." Cal replies, taking the water and doing as he's told, spitting into the basin and wiping his mouth. Eugh, vomit aftertaste. His stomach, at least for the time being seems to settle with the careful, measured breaths. Hopefully that part is over, but Cal has never done things by halves.

He closes his eyes, leaning against the cool tile. It's not the most comfortable but he could fall asleep here, that's how tired he is. Would it be ideal? No. But he wouldn't have to get up again. He's thankfully spared by Merrin's return with the wet cloth, almost instinctively leaning into her touch with a sigh.

"Oh no, I think it's def-definitely deterring me." He swallows past a surge of emotion, blinking rapidly up at her. "Thank you, Merrin." There's other things she could be doing, instead she's staying here with him as he reaps what he does after overextending his tolerance for alcohol. She could've got Cere or Greez or BD, or hell, just left him on the floor until morning.

Merrin hums an acknowledgement, setting the washcloth aside and running her fingers through his hair, instead. She might've gotten Cere if she thought Cal needed anything more than some water and rest. The other two would be useless at offering either comfort or useful assistance in this particular situation, in her opinion. But she also knows Cal doesn't like to be fussed over by the adults, especially, so she doesn't make a big deal of his sudden show of emotion.

"Do not thank me yet. You're taking my chores as soon as you can handle being upright for that long."

Judging by his current state, she imagines it won't be tomorrow. Then again, Jedi do seem to have remarkable healing capacity. She pulls Cal's blanket up over him and stifles a yawn of her own.

"I would let you rest your head in my lap, but if you are going to fall asleep on me I'd prefer it were somewhere less dismal."

The engine room isn't the most comfortable space to sleep, but at least they wouldn't wake up cramped and freezing at whatever hour the first person to wish to use the room awakened.

Cal, who let his eyes slip closed during Merrin's careful hands through his hair barely hears how she intends to have him repay her. Swallows down that emotion with a chuckle that ends on a groan. This time the noise that escapes him has little to do with the way he's feeling or any nausea.

It's only half-hearted, though. A fair trade off for having to sit here while he throws up and works through his hangover. Given how he feels now it's probably going to take another day, maybe more until it's all out of his system, but at least they're in between jobs right now and have nowhere pressing to be. No Empire presence in this sector, no Jedi relics to track down, no Rebels flagging them down for assistance.

He blinks an eye open at her. Surprisingly comfortable for the fresher floor, or maybe that's just Merrin's presence. But sleeping here when Greez was an early riser meant that he'd probably find them out.

"Alright, help me up off the floor, my room's close." Close enough.

She helps him sit up slowly first, giving him a minute or two to be certain the motion isn't going to make him sick again before helping him the rest of the way up. His room isn't far, and if it weren't likely to disorient him further she'd teleport them both again. Instead she steadies him for the short journey back to his room and deposits him on his bunk with a stern look.

"Stay sitting for a minute. You need to actually drink some of that water; I'll be right back."

This time she does teleport, and is back in a few moments with the glass of water and her borrowed blanket, the former of which she hands to Cal.

"You'll feel worse in the morning if you don't."

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what doesn't kill me makes me want you more | dathomirs.

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